Nimueh's Guide to Being a Better Evil Sorceress
by prouvaires
Summary: She realises she had some serious shortcomings, so here's her 40 steps to doing better the second time around.


Nimueh's Guide to Being a Better Evil Sorceress

(Rating for language.)

**A/N: **Found this while digging around for a Class Civ essay on my hard drive … it's a little strange, but I figured I'd post it anyway.

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1. _Never _assume the hero is dead. Make sure to shove a sword through his chest, just to make sure.

2. If mysterious storm clouds appear suddenly above you, create yourself a shield. And _fast._

3. If you have come up with a foolproof plan, test it on a fool first. If he finds an error, change the plan immediately.

4. Do not ever leave the hero for dead, no matter how unlikely it is he will survive. Stand and watch until whatever beastie you have unleashed on him has completely devoured him.

5. Change your appearance regularly. It's easier to sneak around if no-one recognises you.

6. Eliminate any sources of wisdom for the hero as soon as possible. Leaving a dragon alive where the hero can get access to him and make bargains for information is just something you should _never _do.

7. Do not leave your autograph on a piece of a plan, no matter how proud of it you are. It's just not worth it.

8. No matter how stupid you think the hero is, kill him anyway. He may get cleverer and come get you.

9. Never help _anyone_. Giving people a child, for example, often comes back to bite you in the butt.

10. Always prepare for the worst. That way, when your fabulous plan succeeds, it won't just be the hero who's surprised.

11. Never make bargains with the hero. Laugh in his face and then kill him.

12. Do not waste time gloating over a victory. Chances are the hero will seize the opportunity your distractedness provides and char you into a cinder.

13. Never underestimate your opponent. It's always the skinny ones that pack the biggest punch.

14. Do not waste time with poison, as the hero may have time to find a cure. Simple zap the bastard and be done with it.

15. Groom potential apprentices from a young age, kidnapping them where possible. Never leave it until they are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to do with their lives.

16. Do not stick to one headquarters for longer than a week at a time. Move around constantly, thereby rendering it impossible for the hero to find you.

17. Always have a back-up plan. _Always._

18. Never assume you are invincible.

19. Maintain a long list of your weaknesses so you are aware of them and can prevent the hero from utilising them.

20. Don't wear a dress. It gets torn easily and can hamper movement.

21. Don't wear predictable red and/or black. Wear something cheerful to throw your enemies into confusion.

22. If a hero you have killed has offspring/siblings left alive, seek out and kill them. This way, they cannot grow up and challenge you later in life.

23. Do not follow the traditional rules of warfare. If you can get an advantage by thinking outside the box and cheating, do so.

24. If you discover a spell capable of annihilating the hero and all associated with him, use it immediately. Do _not _follow the usual method of waiting for the hero to come find you. Instead unleash it, and from as far away as possible to prevent any possible rebound.

25. If you learn that a callow youth has set out on a quest to destroy you, kill him while he is still a callow youth. This will prevent messy battles in the future.

26. Learn to change your appearance at will, and always make yourself beautiful. Everyone knows where the collective male weakness is.

27. Once you have mastered the art of changing your appearance, seduce the hero in disguise and kill him while he's sleeping next to you. This saves the bother of poisoning/tricking/fighting him.

28. If you suddenly realise you need to escape, do not pause to scream at the hero, toss off a dramatic one-liner or strike a terrifying pose. Get out. Fast.

29. Never assume you are capable of bringing down an entire kingdom single-handedly. Create an army of evil minions and unleash them whenever you need them.

30. Use said evil minions to pillage and plunder various towns and villages, and basically provide a distraction so you can sneak around while the knights fight off the evil minions. This saves time fighting people and having to talk your way out of awkward situations.

31. If there is only _one _source of the antidote for a poison you have tricked the hero into consuming, destroy it _immediately._ Do not use it as a trap or anything else; it's not worth the risk.

32. Never engage in a fight where the hero has the advantage. Poof out of there, and poof quickly.

33. Try to get the hero to fall in love with you before you kill him. That way, he's suffering the pain of betrayal as well as the pain of death. And it's no fun if he's not suffering as much as possible.

34. Potential future rivals should be sought out at as early an age as possible. If they refuse to ally with you, kill them.

35. If the hero is crying because of what you've done, do not allow your heart to soften, or start gloating. Laugh at his pathetic bawling, then kill him anyway.

36. _Never _let someone else in on your scene. If you discover someone else trying to kill the hero(es), zap them while they're distracted with their evil plans. The satisfaction of the hero(es)'s death should be all yours.

37. Never succumb to clichés. Do not wear heavy lipstick, wander round barefoot or hide out in a cave. It's not attractive, practical or original.

38. Make doubles of all evil beasties/poisons required for a plan, in case the hero gets lucky and destroys/neutralises the original.

39. Make your evil doings public, thereby creating mass panic and a regime of terror. It's harder for the hero to muster troops if they're all scared shitless and busy trying to hide under the bed.

40. Purchase a nice Caribbean Island, just in case you get tired of being an evil sorceress and want to take an early retirement. Relaxation is severely underrated.

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**A/N: **Please don't favourite without leaving a review, thanks!


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